Asking Eric: After dementia diagnosis, friends disappeared
Dear Eric: I was an attorney when I started having memory problems at age 65. I retired and subsequently learned that I had a devastating rare dementia with a very short lifespan. Instead of providing me support, my friends disappeared from my life, at the time I needed them most. Friends may rally around you when you have cancer, driving you to chemo treatments, dropping off food and other things to support you; when you have dementia, everyone just disappears.
I’ve always been a sociable person and I’m missing that so much, but I have no idea how or where to start. Any ideas?
– Left By Friends
Dear Friends: People sometimes don’t know what to do or say when confronted with illness, but that’s no excuse for your friends’ behavior and I’m sorry. The Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org) has a wealth of resources for people with dementia, including support groups, both online and in-person. Being able to talk with others about what you’re experiencing and feeling will help with isolation.
This also might be a time for you to explore new volunteer opportunities or social groups that have nothing to do with dementia, depending on your care plan and abilities. You are a person who is worthy of connection, with a wealth of experiences and knowledge from which others can benefit. Your company would be welcomed at a senior center, a local outing group or an organization that aligns with your interests and values. If you have anxiety about navigating these spaces with dementia, or need accommodation in order to feel safe, please don’t hesitate to reach out in advance and talk to a group leader about how you can participate most comfortably.
Dear Eric: My husband is 72 and I am 68. He is still working, and I am retired and work part time. We have been married for six years. We keep our finances separate, yet both contribute to basic expenses. He has much more in assets than I do.
When we married, I signed a prenup which he designed, saying he would set up a trust and give me lifetime rights to the home we live in if he passed away and I would not receive anything else. So far, he has not set up the trust or written a will.
I find I am getting more and more resentful about this. I could survive if he passed away, but I would have to relocate to a more affordable situation. Should I push this issue so I can make plans for my old age while I am still healthy, or wait it out? We get along fine otherwise. Am I wrong for expecting him to set up a trust to take care of me, or leave me some assets? I wonder if a prenup even applies if the marriage lasts until death. I know times have changed and expectations of roles seem to have also.
– Prenup Problem
Dear Prenup: It would be wise of you to go over the prenup with an attorney as soon as possible so that you can get a better sense of what you signed, what your husband’s obligations are, and what recourse you have. It sounds like the prenup is supposed to work in conjunction with more complex estate planning that your husband hasn’t done. Or, at the least, hasn’t updated.
It would be helpful to know if he has a will that predates your marriage and leaves the house to someone else, for instance. Getting as much information as you can about your joint financial situation and talking about it with an attorney isn’t greedy; it’s responsible.
The consultation you have with an attorney may give you some options for how you can and should proceed. Having a plan of action may take the bite out of your resentment, thereby making space for a clear-eyed conversation with your husband.
Dear Eric: My husband of 50 years passed away suddenly last year. We had just moved into a retirement community. I still hurt deeply but not all the time anymore. My neighbor is facing a similar situation. I am beginning to feel an attraction. We have a definite bond and get along really well. Should I feel guilty about these feelings? I don’t know if it’s too soon or if it was meant to be. At least it gives me something to look forward to.
– Confused
Dear Confused: Feel your feelings without judgment but proceed with caution. This could be the beginning of something very special, but you’ll want to make sure that you’re keeping communication open and moving at a pace that prioritizes where each of you is emotionally. Mostly, I’d encourage you not to rush. You’re getting to know your neighbor but you’re also getting to know a new part of yourself.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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